Sauron's Blog Has Moved!

I have just learned that Blogger, the provider I've been using for my blog, serves hobbits. That's right, filthy stinking hobbits!

So I have moved to a professional blog platform (WordPress), and a professional ISP (Bluehost). This version, the Blogger version, shall no longer be updated.

From now on, Sauron's Blog is located at: http://sauron.kunochan.com.

From this point onward, I will post almost every day. So keep coming back for more!

#20: The Valar Are A Bunch Of Meat Monkeys

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: amused

To summarize: Melkor and I got in trouble for making better music than Eru, the so-called "One." (I have "one" asshole, that doesn't make it special.) So Eru created a world out of our song, and let us go down to live in it. But He also sent along a bunch of useless Ainur, the so-called "Valar," who've done nothing but get in our way. Now their leader Manwë , a.k.a. The Dickless Prick, has driven Melkor and me into the far north of Arda, and set about ruining everything we've accomplished.

The time is coming soon when Melkor will gather all the loyal fire and darkness spirits, and we will attack, driving the filthy Valar from this world. Let them sit in the Outer Dark, cold and alone. Especially Melian, that whore.

Melkor has tasked me with keeping an eye on the accursed Valar. He gives me all the important jobs because honestly, who else is he going to rely on? Ungoliant? She ran off soon after we redeployed to the north, and hasn't been seen since. Glaurung? He's not too bright, and anyway, Melkor has some special project for him. Gothmog? He sits in the lava pits, playing with his whips. Cripes, why did we bring any of these losers along with us?

So anyway, I've been snooping around invisibly, watching the Valar and Maiar as they foul up everything in Arda -- "oceans" and "clouds" and "forests" and all that crap.

But here's the most astonishing thing. And I'm not kidding -- I couldn't have made this up. The Valar and Maiar have clothed themselves in flesh, and taken the form of... primates. That's right, Eru-damned monkeys! They're walking around like two-legged meat sausages, eating and drinking an excreting and sweating.

It's ridiculous! We're frikkin' gods, fer crissakes! Apparently, the accursed "Children of Ilúvatar" are going to be primates. Seriously! So Manwë and his brown-nosers have decided to dress up like "Elves," and prance around in silly skin costumes. I gotta tell ya, I reported this to Melkor, and he was so surprised his iron crown fell off! We had a good, really long laugh about it.

It wasn't so funny, though, 'cause when I was sneaking around, I saw Melian. Her Elven form is particularly... shapely, I must say. I mean, looking at her, I could see what all the fuss is about.

Stupid bitch.

Anyway, the rest of us are going to have to consider adopting fleshly forms, just to deny the Valar any advantage. One more thing to worry about.

But if anyone thinks I'm gonna start using a toilet, they have another thing coming.

#19: I'm Not Too Fond Of The New Digs

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: unapologetic

I would apologize for not posting in so long, but I'm not really in the mood to apologize for anything.

When the Dickless Prick and his little friends rose up against Melkor, I was all for pounding their asses right then and there. Melkor and I even argued about it. I pointed out that, since Arda was still all fiery and lava-ey, we could use the situation to our advantage. Rally the fire spirits and attack. Use Arda Itself as a weapon. Hurl all the forces of Fire and Heat against the Valar, and destroy them.

But Melkor was afraid that we would fail. He said that all of our power was tied up in the Creation -- that by being the principal architects of Arda, we had placed too much of ourselves into the World. The Earth, Wind and Water spirits, on the other hand, had yet to spend their powers on Creation, and so still retained all their energy. He bid us to wait, until our enemies had used up all their fëar on Creation. Then we would attack.

So we have bided our time. And Melkor was right about one thing -- the stupid-ass Valar have been happy to splooge their so-called "beauty" all over our ordered and efficient world.

Let me tell you what Arda looked like when Melkor and I were done with it -- beautiful vales of igneous rock, filled with magnificent rivers of flowing lava. Volcanoes that sent golden sprays of molten rock high into the air, and filled the spaces above the Disc of the World with lovely flammable gases. It was as fantastic as it sounds.

Well, from our stronghold in the North, we've watched the so-called Valar destroy everything we worked for. The igneous vales are now covered in noxious soil, and the soil itself is infested with grasses that cover all like a mold. I have nothing against trees -- the fires have to have something to burn -- but now there are trees everywhere, blanketing the land in monochromatic green. I have nothing against water, either -- the fires need something to boil -- but you will not believe me when I tell you how much water they have used to drown the World. No less than seven tenths of the Disc's surface is now hidden beneath foul-smelling, salty water! I think it's just their attempt to put out our fires!

Fortunately, our fires burn deep underground, and even the seas of water can not extinguish them. You know why not? Workmanship.

Soon, the Valar will have expended all their energy on burying the World underneath a thin scum of imperfectible life. Then, their resources drained, we will attack.

I mentioned our "stronghold." Ever since we redeployed to the North (not "fled" -- redeployed), we have labored on constructing a great military base from which to launch our assault upon the Valar traitors. Basically, it's a really deep pit surrounded by giant mountains. I don't like it. Melkor sits at the bottom of the pit, brooding, while I have to direct all the spirits in its construction. I'm trying to make it something more interesting than a big hole-- but since this is the first actual building in the history of Creation, I'm forced to make things up as I go along.

For instance, I'm still trying to figure out how people will get in and out of the fortress. If I make a hole in the mountain range, our enemies can get in. If I don't, we can't get out. One of the spirits of craft suggested that I put part of the wall on a hinge, so it can be pulled open and shut. That seems like a good idea. But what should we call it? I'll have to ask the spirit -- his name is Doër.

#18: I Am Going To Kill Manwë, I Swear It

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: vengeful

Well, everything has gone to shit, and there's no one to blame but that little prick Manwë. That dickless little suckup has ruined everything!

So Melkor and I managed to get the Disc of Arda built, with some help from that moron Aulë, yes, but mostly it was us and the Fire Spirits.

Then it was time to order the rest of creation; the airs and the flora and the fauna and all that. Melkor, the Greatest of the Valar, called everybody together to manage this whole affair, because we can't have Ainur running around just putting anything anywhere, "poof" there's a tree, "poof" there's a cloud.

There has to be order. Purpose. So Melkor stepped in to take charge.

Well, that's when Manwë gets his thong in a knot. He claims -- claims -- that he wants all the Valar and Valier to share equally in the shaping of what he insists on calling "the habitation of the Children of Ilúvatar." As if they're why we're doing all this. Please.

But what Manwë really wants is to be some sort of king of the Valar, denying Melkor his rightful title. You just watch and see -- I guarantee you mister "we're all equal" will be ordering everyone around within a week.

He says to Melkor, "This kingdom thou shalt not take for thine own, wrongfully, for many others have laboured here no less than thou." Hypocrite. And yeah, I'd say many others labored here less than us.

Well, Melkor got pissed, and who can blame him? He declared himself, rightly, Eru's representative in Arda, and claimed Arda as his kingdom. I immediately recognized his lordship, as did all our usual friends. (Hmn. I noticed that Ungoliant was suspiciously absent. Bitch.)

Well, it was all downhill from there. All the other Valar and Valier immediately sided with Manwë, which convinces me this was some kind of pre-planned coup against Melkor. Even Huan, my so-called "best friend," sided with the insurgents.

But the very WORST part, the unbearable part, is that Melian sided with them too. Instead of taking my side, the side of the Maia she supposedly loved, she slunk off to be with the Vala Irmo. Oh, she tried to convince me to follow Manwë -- some bullshit about peace and love and fraternity. Stupid bitch.

I will never forgive her for betraying me. And if she won't be with me, she won't be with anyone -- you just watch.

But the architect of my misery is the dickless prick. I will get my revenge on Manwë, and it will be slow and painful. I will make him suffer, and then I will destroy him.

#17: The Planet of Arda is Completed

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: exhausted

Well, it's finally done. It wasn't too bad -- what with assembling the mathematical framework, building the initial singularity, setting off universal expansion, installing inflation and setting the Cosmological Constant, burning through the first generation galaxies to assemble the heavy elements, constructing the second order galaxies, and building Arda, it only took about 13.4 billion years. Which isn't so long, really.

A whole lotta work to build one planet, though. Sheesh. Those so-called "Children of Ilúvatar" had better be grateful.

There was some controversy about the design of the planet, initially. Melkor and I came up with some really crazy ideas, like making the planet in the shape of a ship (whatever a "ship" is). But we realized that, what with gravitation and everything, that the most logical design was a flat disc. Sure, you can't really do anything useful with the bottom side, but the top works as a nice stable platform for all the mountains and trees and shit.

The biggest flaw is that all the water runs off the edges. Ulmo wanted to make the world bowl-shaped, but he got voted down -- that egotistical prick Manwë didn't want anything blocking the view of his precious skies. I wanted to piss them both off, so I suggested a hollow sphere with the sky and water on the outside. LOL, you should have seen their faces.

Anyway, Melkor and I devoted ourselves to building the disk. We wanted to make sure the Fire Spirits, our close allies, had their own realm in Arda. So secretly, without consulting the others, we hollowed out the disk and built a realm of flame and lava inside the planet. Niiiiiice. Nothing they can do about it now.

It's too bad all the beautiful flame is hidden under the earth, though. I'm thinking of poking a nice deep hole, to let the magma out onto the surface. Can you imagine it? A colossal mountain of cooled magma, with plumes of lava and smoke pouring out from the top! Sweeeet!

I might even be able to use its power for some magical experiments I've been thinking about.

#16: I Am SO Much In Love Right Now!

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: romantic

Sorry I haven't posted here in a while. We've been really busy assembling the heavy elements and installing the Higgs Field. From here on, things will move a lot more quickly. We should have enough mass to construct the actual planet quite soon. Then all those Air and Water spirits can get off their asses and do some actual work.

The other reason I haven't written is because I'm in love! Her name is Melian, and I've mentioned her a few times before. She is just the smartest and prettiest and cutest of all the Maiar. She's a servant of Vána, so she's one of the Life spirits, but I don't hold that against her.

For once I'm glad that Melkor made me a Maia, because Melian was really impressed that I am the mightiest of our order. I don't think she had ever noticed me before that.

I have revealed to Melkor my wish that Melian and I be made Lord and Lady of the Maiar. He doesn't have any problem with that, per se -- but I suspect Melkor is unhappy that I have a girlfriend now. He's just been kind of wierd about it.

But I don't care. I couldn't be happier. Even stupid old Manwë can't piss me off any more.

I am SO glad I came to Arda. Things are going to be perfect FOREVER!

#15: Valar and Maiar? I Didn't Sign Up for That!

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: let down

Well, we've gotten started on building and assembling the World of Arda. Melkor is doing most of the heavy lifting, of course, taking charge of the project and overseeing all the lesser spirits.

Most of the work has involved the spontaneous generation of matter and energy. I'm proud to say the Fire Spirits have been most helpful in this matter, and the most eager to bend to the wisdom of Melkor. I've been spending a lot of time corralling the useless Earth, Air and Water Spirits. These morons are all over the map, and Creation would be nothing but a muddy pile if someone didn't whip these imbeciles into shape.

I saw Melian today. She looked great. I wanted to say hello, but I was too nervous.

Anyway. Of course, we got trouble right away from the Manwë/Ulmo contingent. Neither of these guys had any clout back in the Timeless Halls -- but come to Arda, and all of a sudden they think they're gods or something. Melkor was second only to Eru back in the Halls; that means he's second to NO ONE in Arda.

I suspect this is something Manwë and Ulmo will have to be taught. Eventually.

To shut up some of the noisier Ainur, Melkor came up with a plan, and I really don't like it. Fifteen of the Ainur, eight male and seven female, are to be annointed "Valar," or Greater Spirits. The rest will be "Maiar," or Lesser Spirits.

I'm to be a Maia. SAURON DOES NOT APPROVE.

Melkor spent a long time calming me down, and explaining this to me. He says he needs me to work directly under him; that as Second-In-Command to the Greatest of the Vala, I will be the second most powerful, the Greatest of the Maiar.

Bullshit.

He also says he's setting up Manwë, Ulmo, Oromë and the others. They'll accept all this power and responsibility, and fail -- then it will be clear that all power should accrue to Melkor. And me.

Now Huan is telling me he's HAPPY to be a Maia. What a dumbass.